One year ago today I was at what I would consider to be my rock bottom.  I had been off of any and all pharmaceutical drugs and using cannabis and cbd for over a year.  I had found a man that loved and cared about me, my kids were happy and healthy and I had even begun to be a bit more active.  But all that didn’t matter as I sat on our couch on my birthday, sweating and crying and trying to find any position that would make my body ache less.  Although I had become well accustomed to living in discomfort and pain and I have always been stronger than whatever life threw my way, this time was different.  This time it was far worse than any other time (even 47 hours of labor didn’t seem too bad) My mistake – what led to my rock bottom? Using a highly populated pool at the height of flu season.

 

 

You see – I had never had the flu before.  Colds, coughs, even ear infections yes, but not the flu.  So I had no idea what all the hype was over this malady. I mean really, how bad could it be?  A little fever, some shakes, maybe a chill or two, throw in a few vomiting sessions and honestly it didn’t sound much different than my weekly visits with Avonex way back in the day.  My internal voice had always thought “geez, just suck it up poeple.” Until….

 

One year ago, on my 47th birthday, I sat on our couch in the midst of the flu (temps running low to mid 103s) which in turn led to the worst flair I have had to date and I remember vividly thinking –

 

 

 

I am not sure I can keep doing this!!!

 

 

For the first time since getting this disease, I honestly questioned my ability to keep it all going;  the facade of seeming to be ok – the ignoring the thick fog that coats every thought that crosses my mind, the incessant fucked up vision and the chronic pain, the weird heavy feet that show up any time I have walked more than a block, the pins and needles, zings and spasms that hit random parts of my body on an ongoing basis.  All of it was just too much and I remember thinking I can’t do it anymore.

I remember sitting on that couch on my birthday and thinking it would be perfectly fine with me if this was the last birthday I lived through.

THAT thought and those words scared the crap out of me!  

It shook me to the core and it’s really what drove me to do all the things that I have done in the past year.

 

It was the reason I got off my ass and started walking every day. To start, after the sickness and years of inactivity because of the pain, I could only make it once around the block and even that left me exhausted and consumed by the pain, but I would remember thinking “I can’t do this anymore” and that simple memory drove me on and pushed me forward because I never wanted to feel so weak and helpless again.

 

It was the reason that I finally quit smoking cigarettes after 30+ years of trying to hide it from the world.  As I began to increase my walks I noticed that each time I had a cigarette, it would heighten the pain and make my body jittery (beyond the normal MS BS that is always around.)  I began to truly feel how harmful each cigarette was and it became the enemy, one that disgusted me – until one day, I threw the remaining pack I had in the fire pit and quit cold turkey – because I didn’t ever want to go back to that feeling I had on my birthday last year and I was willing to do whatever it takes to avoid going back there.

 

As I got stronger and my health improved I began to look at my life with Shawn in a new light.  From the very start, and for the next 9 years I have said that I didn’t want to get married again. I said it was because it just didn’t impress me much the first time around, but the truth is I didn’t want to ever put myself in a situation of depending on someone else, only to be let down again.  Having him there this past year, to encourage and support me as I tried to come back from the flu/flair fiasco made me realize that I have absolutely no reason to believe that he would ever let me down. He has shown me over and over again that he will always be there to help me in any way I need and so I went against everything I have been saying for the past 10 years and asked him to marry me because I realized that I CAN actually “do this” with him by my side.

 

 

Remembering how I felt on my birthday last year is also what got me to Denver to attend the Indo Expo (thanks to my friend James at Honor the Plant.) I wanted to learn more about growing my own cannabis but never in a million years would I think that I would actually travel by myself, to a strange city, to met a complete stranger and go to a huge expo about marijuana.  But when the invitation was extended a light went on in my brain and I understood very clearly that in order to never feel the way I did on my birthday last year again is to constantly keep challenging myself and pushing myself beyond my comfort levels. To keep doing things that make me proud of ME – things that make me remember I CAN do this! So I went – and now we have Doug (our first clone) and are about to start a few plants from seed!

 

 

 

In the past year – I have continued to do things that the me on the couch last year would have put in the “I can’t do that” category.  In the past year I have realized that I CAN learn and do new things and that there isn’t anything I can’t do – if I set my mind to it. This new mindset, this believing in myself and my ability to keep learning and experiencing new things has opened up a whole new world of possibilities for me.  Some things are big (like getting married, buying a boat, learning to fish and entering our first ever fishing derby and growing marijuana in our basement) and some are small (learning to crochet this week) But the big take-away for me is the realization that my brain and my body are still capable of taking on new challenges. That is a huge shift from what I believed last year!

 

Looking back at where I was one year ago and where I am now – I can say that I now have so much more respect for my body and what it is capable of. Instead of hating my disease, I have learned to treat it with kindness and understanding.  But I also know that I will continue to push it to its limits each and every day because setting goals meeting those challenges are what remind me every day that I CAN do this!  

 

So Happy Birthday to me and my disease.  Here’s to another year of living and continuing to thrive despite all the crazy ass shit this disease dishes out.  It’s actually an exciting week around here. My youngest competed (and WON) the USAPL Nationals Raw competition – with a total weight of 1576 lbs – let that marinade for a minute – he is 16 year old and can lift far more than many grown men.  That is pretty bad ass in my humble momma bear opinion.

 

 

AND the final news of the week – my book is finally being published!!! That means in mear DAYS you will be able to pop over to Amazon and buy my book!!!! It’s been a long process – and there have been some painful moments of reliving moments sadness and loneliness BUT I am so excited to finally get the stories of my diagnosis out there – so I can get on to bigger and better things – like our next fishing trip (Saturday) , attending my next cannabis convention (January – thanks to Indo Expo for inviting me back!) and writing my next book – about how much cannabis and CBD has played a roll in this newly inspired life I am living!!!

 

**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals.  Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **