Multiple Sclerosis & Cannabis: Big Life Changes

I proposed to Shawn.  He said “YES!”  Yes, that’s right – I asked HIM.  Not in an attempt to be unconventional or different, but because as I have felt better thanks to the relief that cannabis is providing me I have come to realize that I WANT to marry him and so why wouldn’t I ask?

As my oldest said, “It would have been bad if he said “NO.”  

But he didn’t say “NO”….he said “YES!” ……

SO, I’M GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!

 

I should be ecstatic, elated and overjoyed.  But instead, I woke up this morning feeling dread about telling people, announcing to the world that I’m getting married.  Because I have said over and over that I wouldn’t get married again, EVER.  So now I feel embarrassed, as if I have been caught in a lie. 

As I lay in bed – thinking about all of this, as I tried to muster up the courage to tell someone, ANYONE I slowly began to realize just how dumb it is to be feeling this way.  After all – at one point in my life I made the announcement that I would NEVER get divorced, that I was married for life.  As my marriage fell apart, I battled with feeling like a failure.  I had failed to stay married – to fix it or make it work.  I was embarrassed and it took me a while to not feel that sense of failure.  I had to come to accept that it wasn’t a sign of weakness  – that it was actually a positive change in my life.  But at the time I didn’t know that…I just knew I was unhappy.

Seven years ago, I met a man that truly loves ME – all of ME – EVERYTHING about ME.  I met someone that loves being with me as much as I love being with him.  I met someone that has gotten to know me better than anyone else, ever.  I tell him everything (which is often times TMI!:)  I constantly want to be with him, whether we are out of the boat “attempting” to fish, or just curled up on the couch, I love being in his presence.   He makes me a better person, by making ME believe I can do things and by encouraging me to try new things.  It is the most genuine and accepting friendship that I have ever experienced. They have been the happiest 7 years of my life.

 

We both have our baggage – or negative associations with the concept of marriage.  We have both “been there, done that” and the THERE and the THAT weren’t so good.  So we have spent years saying we aren’t going to get married.  It wasn’t just me, it was both of us.  He actually asked me on our FIRST date – how I would feel about being in a “long-term, committed relationship” without marriage.  I said it sounded GREAT to me – and it has been great for all these years….

As I have struggled out from the bubble of pain that surrounded everything in my life, my thoughts and feelings have gotten clearer and more pronounced.  I have begun to genuinely FEEL emotions again and it became glaringly clear to me that “long-term committed” relationship was cutting it for me anymore.  I have found myself thinking I want to be more than boyfriend and girlfriend – and that is a huge change from how I felt in the past.  It took me quite a while to admit this to myself but once I did – I couldn’t help but ask- because we don’t keep things from each other.  Plus it would have killed me to NOT share it with him because now it seems so obvious….of course I want this man to be my husband.  I would be so proud to have the world know that he feels the same way – that he wants to keep me around.  

I am realizing that this is a sign of GROWTH.  I am evolving and continuing to change and this particular one is another positive shift in my life.  I’ve changed my mind and I do want to be married again and cannabis has a lot to do with that change.  I am not making the claim that cannabis made me want to get married again, but it has provided me with relief from the pain that I couldn’t see past for so long.  I didn’t think I would ever want to be someone’s wife again, partly because I wasn’t sure what I had to offer.  As someone that lives with a chronic illness and someone that has had some pretty rough patches, I didn’t believe in my value or self-worth – I didn’t feel I had anything to “bring to the table.”  But over the past year, that has changed.  I believe in myself and my ability to do good and amazing things again.  Having those things restored gave me the strength to admit that I DO want to be someone’s wife again and that I do have value and that I can bring things of worth to a marriage. 

I may feel as if I have a bit of egg on my face with this one, I might feel a bit embarrassed about going back on what I have said.  But at the end of the day, if that means I get to call this amazing, kind, considerate, compassionate man my husband – then it’s worth it!!!  I would rather endure a little bit of uncomfortableness and deal with feeling ashamed about going back on my word than to not ever admit that I’ve changed my mind and NOT have the opportunity to make him my husband.  After 7 years of calling him my boyfriend, I am ready to make it a bit more permanent.  

I’m getting married again and I am slowly beginning to feel the joy and happiness!  I am realizing that this is just another example of being a work in progress.  

 

Life isn’t linear – because THAT would be boring.  Twists and turns make the ride a lot more enjoyable!  

 

I never thought I would end up with an incurable disease and yet I think I am a better and happier person as a result of living with this disease.  I never thought I would get a divorce and that turned out to be a change for the positive.   I never thought I would get married again, but apparently, I was wrong about that one too.  The best I can do is make the most of those twists and turns – and now I will do it with Shawn as my husband! 

 

**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals.  Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **

32 Replies to “Multiple Sclerosis & Cannabis: Big Life Changes”

  1. Nice. I’ve been married 42 years. It can be done. I got it right the first time. I’m thankful. It could have ended several times. I’ve officiated at 25 weddings. They’re all different. Your’s sounds like a winner. Congrats from my heart.

  2. Here’s the thing…you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I get it. I am also the “never ever ever” getting married again person (my reasons are slightly different but the result is the same). But I learned something really important after becoming a widow suddenly at 30…until a person is walking in your shoes, they have zero right to make you feel ashamed of anything. Anything at all! Imagine the horrifying antics of a recently widowed 30 year old woman and imagine the levels of shame, judgement and outright vitriol I faced. That’s when I learned that what other people think only matters when you actually care about those other people. The goal here is not to fall on your sword over your commitment to solitude. The goal is to find happiness! For you. On your terms. In your way. So what if you happened to change your mind about something you once felt strongly about? Change is the only constant in life. If anyone doesn’t understand that, they’re probably not worth worrying about.

    I’m super happy for you! Keep changing. And keep being joyful. It’s the only reason any of this matters. ❤️

  3. Don’t feel like you have betrayed anyone for having changed your position on marriage. An unasked for piece of advice – I have learned to never say never because a lot of times the never position is the best one!
    Heaps of congratulations, way to go! Very happy for you! ENJOY!

  4. Congratulations!

    I have only been following your writing for a little bit but I’m sure i am not alone in saying it’s enjoyable to follow your journey. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing that someone unconditionally loves you for all the good as well as the things that are not so good.

    As you told your story it reminded me of a surfing parable for life I have told my kids. Doesn’t matter if it’s big waves, big breeze while sailing, climbing big mountains, getting married, or dealing with MS.

    When that big wave comes and the horizon goes black, things look ominous and scary. Assess your risk and if it looks ok, then, turn around and start paddling with every ounce of energy you have. If you do it right, and give it everything you have, you will stick that drop and make the wave. Ride that thing until the end. Then do it again, and again. Soon you will have the confidence to know that if you set your mind to it you can do anything.

    So it goes with MS, marriage, and life. You focus on the positive and just keep doing the best you possibly can given your circumstances and celebrate each and every victory as it happens.

    Once again, congratulations!

    1. Hi Geoff!
      Thanks so much for the kind words. It’s always nice to know that someone is reading and hopefully gaining something from my experiences. Thanks so much for sharing the parable- I LOVE IT! Seems I’m riding a really good wave right now and I’m gaining confidence to ride many more in the future!

      Cheers!
      Meg

  5. You go girl !!! Such wonderful news. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness and joy. Best to both you and Shawn. Your photo of the two of you speaks volumes. I think you caught your “fish”

  6. Congratulations 🎊🎉No need to apologize or feel bad! I too said I would never get married again while going through a nasty divorce. Then an amazing man came into my life and changed that. Having a supportive loving partner in your life changes the way you think. We got married last month. I wish you the best🎊

    1. Thanks Carolyn! It really makes all the difference. It’s not like he can make ME better but we can make OUR lives better by just being together and being our goofy selves!

      Cheers!
      Meg

  7. Congratulations! I feel like we are on a similar path with regards to MS and divorce and being in a long-term committed relationship. I haven’t needed MJ to help me with my MS and I love reading about how it has helped you! It makes me happy to think that maybe one day I will get remarried too. I’m not there yet. LOL. Again, congratulations!

    1. Hi other Megan! Thanks so much for your kind words. And yes, maybe some day. I definitely didn’t think it was a possibility- until it was. So then I asked! 🙂

      Cheers!
      Meg

would LOVE to know what you think...