I proposed to Shawn. He said “YES!” Yes, that’s right – I asked HIM. Not in an attempt to be unconventional or different, but because as I have felt better thanks to the relief that cannabis is providing me I have come to realize that I WANT to marry him and so why wouldn’t I ask?
As my oldest said, “It would have been bad if he said “NO.”
But he didn’t say “NO”….he said “YES!” ……
SO, I’M GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!
I should be ecstatic, elated and overjoyed. But instead, I woke up this morning feeling dread about telling people, announcing to the world that I’m getting married. Because I have said over and over that I wouldn’t get married again, EVER. So now I feel embarrassed, as if I have been caught in a lie.
As I lay in bed – thinking about all of this, as I tried to muster up the courage to tell someone, ANYONE I slowly began to realize just how dumb it is to be feeling this way. After all – at one point in my life I made the announcement that I would NEVER get divorced, that I was married for life. As my marriage fell apart, I battled with feeling like a failure. I had failed to stay married – to fix it or make it work. I was embarrassed and it took me a while to not feel that sense of failure. I had to come to accept that it wasn’t a sign of weakness – that it was actually a positive change in my life. But at the time I didn’t know that…I just knew I was unhappy.
Seven years ago, I met a man that truly loves ME – all of ME – EVERYTHING about ME. I met someone that loves being with me as much as I love being with him. I met someone that has gotten to know me better than anyone else, ever. I tell him everything (which is often times TMI!:) I constantly want to be with him, whether we are out of the boat “attempting” to fish, or just curled up on the couch, I love being in his presence. He makes me a better person, by making ME believe I can do things and by encouraging me to try new things. It is the most genuine and accepting friendship that I have ever experienced. They have been the happiest 7 years of my life.
We both have our baggage – or negative associations with the concept of marriage. We have both “been there, done that” and the THERE and the THAT weren’t so good. So we have spent years saying we aren’t going to get married. It wasn’t just me, it was both of us. He actually asked me on our FIRST date – how I would feel about being in a “long-term, committed relationship” without marriage. I said it sounded GREAT to me – and it has been great for all these years….
As I have struggled out from the bubble of pain that surrounded everything in my life, my thoughts and feelings have gotten clearer and more pronounced. I have begun to genuinely FEEL emotions again and it became glaringly clear to me that “long-term committed” relationship was cutting it for me anymore. I have found myself thinking I want to be more than boyfriend and girlfriend – and that is a huge change from how I felt in the past. It took me quite a while to admit this to myself but once I did – I couldn’t help but ask- because we don’t keep things from each other. Plus it would have killed me to NOT share it with him because now it seems so obvious….of course I want this man to be my husband. I would be so proud to have the world know that he feels the same way – that he wants to keep me around.
I am realizing that this is a sign of GROWTH. I am evolving and continuing to change and this particular one is another positive shift in my life. I’ve changed my mind and I do want to be married again and cannabis has a lot to do with that change. I am not making the claim that cannabis made me want to get married again, but it has provided me with relief from the pain that I couldn’t see past for so long. I didn’t think I would ever want to be someone’s wife again, partly because I wasn’t sure what I had to offer. As someone that lives with a chronic illness and someone that has had some pretty rough patches, I didn’t believe in my value or self-worth – I didn’t feel I had anything to “bring to the table.” But over the past year, that has changed. I believe in myself and my ability to do good and amazing things again. Having those things restored gave me the strength to admit that I DO want to be someone’s wife again and that I do have value and that I can bring things of worth to a marriage.
I may feel as if I have a bit of egg on my face with this one, I might feel a bit embarrassed about going back on what I have said. But at the end of the day, if that means I get to call this amazing, kind, considerate, compassionate man my husband – then it’s worth it!!! I would rather endure a little bit of uncomfortableness and deal with feeling ashamed about going back on my word than to not ever admit that I’ve changed my mind and NOT have the opportunity to make him my husband. After 7 years of calling him my boyfriend, I am ready to make it a bit more permanent.
I’m getting married again and I am slowly beginning to feel the joy and happiness! I am realizing that this is just another example of being a work in progress.
Life isn’t linear – because THAT would be boring. Twists and turns make the ride a lot more enjoyable!
I never thought I would end up with an incurable disease and yet I think I am a better and happier person as a result of living with this disease. I never thought I would get a divorce and that turned out to be a change for the positive. I never thought I would get married again, but apparently, I was wrong about that one too. The best I can do is make the most of those twists and turns – and now I will do it with Shawn as my husband!
**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals. Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **