Today I cried.  It was the snots running from my nose, ugly face type of cry. I was mid-walk, it was 36 degrees and pouring rain.  I was at the top of the biggest hill on my neighborhood walk, just yards from Shawn’s ex-wife’s house and instead of feeling strong and accomplished like I usually do, I was bawling my eyes out and smearing snots and rain all over my face.

 

I would love to say that I had some moving or miraculous epiphany while hefting my ass up the hill.  I would like the story to be that I was moved to tears by some heartfelt memory my mind dredged up while hoofing my way through the remaining mounds of snow, seeking the summit of my residential peak.  But truthfully, the reason for my tears was far less poetic. The reason for the waterworks was a simple text…

But it’s worse than that.  It wasn’t the contents of the text that upset me.  It wasn’t the words that I read that had me blabbering like an idiot.  It was not being able to actually read the text that led to my public display of pathetic-ness.  

Just prior to reaching to top of the hill, my phone had pinged, indicating the arrival of a new text message.  I was waiting for a message from my youngest child – my “little peanut.” He was going to let me know when he was wrapping up at the gym, which would signal the end of the walk and would require me to hightail it home to then go and retrieve him from the gym.

 

But I get random texts from places like Joanne Fabrics, Papa Murphys’s and The Joint (a dispensary in Colorado, that I will probably never visit again.).  I needed to know if I was being offered a deal on a skein, pie or strain or if I was being called in for momma duty.

 

As I struggled to keep the dogs from pulling, while trying to shield my phone from the incessant rain, I looked down at my phone and realized that I couldn’t read a single thing on the screen.  No matter how close to, or far from my face I held the phone, I couldn’t decipher anything I was looking at.

 

I simply needed to read the text, but I couldn’t.

 

I NEEDED to know who the text was from.  

I NEEDED to know if I needed to end my walk and head home.

I NEEDED to know if my “little peanut” needed his momma.

 

But I couldn’t read the text

 

– because my MS fucks with me.

 

So I cried.

 

Having vision issues isn’t anything new.  My vision comes and goes throughout my day.  If I become even slightly exerted, my vision goes in the toilet.  It’s not that I can’t see- I can see things, I just can’t focus on them.   What I see is blurry and cloudy. As I have always explained it to my kids…

 

“If there is someone walking in the crosswalk, I can SEE that there is someone walking, I just haven’t a clue whether it is a child or adult, male or female, I just see the figure.”

 

It’s been like this for years and I’ve just learned to make adjustments.

 

When I say it out loud, it sounds crazy.  When I describe it to Shawn, he wonders how the hell I manage to make it anywhere in my blurred and cloudy world. But I have learned to work around it and for the most part, it doesn’t interrupt my daily life.

 

It is annoying as shit and can lead to some killer headaches if I strain and try and focus for too long (for instance, long-distance driving KILLS me.). But up until recently, this “feature” seemed to only affect my distance vision.  The great big world outside would be blurry and cloudy, but my inside world, the close-up activities like cooking, typing, reading, knitting, texting- have been spared this messed up symptom.

 

But once again, my disease has decided to take something that is already incredibly fucked up – and make it even MORE fucked up.  

 

It seems that now my close up vision is affected and it seems that means I can’t read my texts while out on my walk.

 

 I didn’t know if my “little peanut” needed his momma.

 

So I cried.

 

I know in the grand scheme of things, not being able to read my text messages for a short period of time may not seem like that big of a deal, and before it is suggested – yes I am aware that I can change the font size of my text to be some hideously humongous size so that nothing baring complete blindness will leave me wondering if my little peanut has texted –  but for me, today – I just wasn’t ready to accept this new “thing.”

 

I didn’t want to add to the list of things this disease has over me.  

 

I hate adding things to the list.  

 

I like removing things from the list.

 

I have been working REALLY hard to shorten my list; to have this disease affect my daily life less.

 

Tomorrow I will set out to continue to shrink the carbon print this disease has on my life. 

Tomorrow, I will figure out a way around this new hurdle.

 

Today, I will allow myself to be angry, sad and frustrated.

 

 

**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own.  I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is solely intended to inform people of what is working for my body and my disease.  Everyone is different and everyone needs to go on their own journey with this disease.   THIS IS MY JOURNEY**