I wrote a book…no REALLY I did (a medical memoir of sorts.) Although I am not sure that means much since it hasn’t been published. BUT that isn’t because I have been told NO over and over again (or even once for that matter.) I’m not sure that I can tell you why it hasn’t been published. At first I was very concerned about my kids, and things that I say in the book. Not about my disease, because I have ALWAYS been open and honest with them about my MS and all of the “great and funny” things that happen as a result of my body deciding to go wonky on me. But rather the things that are inevitably in there about my marriage, and the four that finally led me to get divorced.
It is not as if I think that they are under the impression that I still love their dad, pine after him, mourn the existence of him in my life. I think they have a pretty clear picture that it is over. BUT I do work VERY hard at NOT talking about the bad things, disparaging him in front of them, pointing out his flaws and weaknesses. I didn’t start out with the intention of writing a book. I started a “journal”, somewhere that I could write down my thoughts and feelings as my body began to not work so well; to vent when I was left feeling lonely and sad that I didn’t have a “partner in crime” to make the journey into a “new” life of having this disease with me.
I wrote for me. At least to begin with; but then it took on a life of its own. You see, things seem to just happen to me. FUNNY things. One could debate that what makes them funny is my attitude towards them. NOPE! Really, they are funny. And each and every one of those moments, that gave me a reason to laugh and to smile (by myself or with others), made having the disease and being mostly alone through it…better.
But I didn’t want my kids to read those things about their own father, to feel that they had to take sides in this something that is NOT their battle. I guess you could argue that if I was a REALLY good mom, I would choose to not EVER publish the book, or to at least edit out those parts. YEA, not going to happen, for many different reasons, none of which are because I am a bad mother. Mainly because it is/was MY life and they are MY stories. I am raising three kids and I want them to know about telling the truth, but also about being OK with who ever it is that you are. And when I was married, I was made to believe that who I was wasn’t ok, so I want to show them that even though the divorce is SUPER hard for them, and there are SO many things that suck (like the boys having to share a room in my tiny new house) that it allowed me to become someone who I liked again. That I am proud of.
Reading all of that, you would think that this is a blog about divorce, or maybe single-parenting. It’s not. But I would be lying if I were to promise that this is the last time you will hear about my kids, my EX, the divorce or even my tiny new house, AND you would be missing out on a ton of funny ass stories. So, while my intention is to write about my MS, there will ALWAYS be more to any story I tell (there ALWAYS is, ask my boyfriend.) BUT also consider this fair warning – this is NOT nor will it EVER be a pity party (a PP as I will sometimes refer to it in future posts.) I know that there are a number of bloggers out there, writing about the serious sides to the disease, about the MRI’s, the symptoms, the new drugs, the pain, the fatigue, the depression…and they are providing great information (and support I’m sure) to many, many readers. BUT that is NOT me, cause no matter what, I am going down rockin’ the BBH!