I promised myself, and I guess you (who ever YOU are that might be reading this) that I would do my best to be open and honest, that I would work on putting EVERYTHING out there, because I know that is the only way that this is going to work. It’s not fair or effective if I try and “sugar-coat” things, or screen what I say because then it just becomes a “story” rather than the truth about my life. But one week into this and I am already having a problem with that concept. I had intended to write a post on Saturday, and spend some time working on the other aspects of social media on Sunday. But here it is Monday, and this is the first time I have visited the blog since Friday. Not because I have been too busy, or off playing for the holiday weekend, but because I have been home, by myself, crying for the last two days.
About two weeks ago, I began having panic attacks – my heart starts racing, I have trouble breathing, and I begin sweating. There is this overwhelming sense that something terrible is going to happen. BUT I don’t know WHAT specifically it is that I am worried about; what it is that I think is going to happen. It is just this all consuming feeling of dread; and when it starts, I have a really hard time making it stop. Not having control over how I am feeling and what I am thinking is not something that I am used to, and it scares me. I have never thought that being on my own, alone, is something that I am afraid of, but then again, being a mother of three, having time by myself is NOT something that happens very often. So when I find myself, home, alone, with no car, and nothing on my schedule, and then the panic sets in, all I can do is curl up in my bed and cry.
I don’t know WHY I am crying, why I am panicking, why I am so unhappy. But I do know that I don’t like this, don’t like who I am at this moment. I want my children home with me, I want Shawn sitting next to me on the couch, with his arms around me, giving me a hug when I need it; BUT wanting them here, is that me just avoiding; filling my life with people and activities to not face this unhappiness? I know that my life is different from what I ever imagined it would be; getting a divorce was to me, a failure. I couldn’t MAKE it work, make it right, and that was a really hard thing for me to accept. BUT one thing that I did learn from getting this disease is that you can’t control EVERYTHING that happens in life, but what you CAN control is how you choose to deal with and respond to whatever happens. Being someone that tends to be positive and upbeat helped me move forward, and also helped me with accepting and dealing with having MS. But it is also a crutch, it allows me to hide the truth from the world, that sometimes I am NOT ok, sometimes I am scared about what is going to happen and I feel incredibly lonely and sad.
I moved forward; I have a great house, amazing children, a great job, a wonderful man that loves and supports me, and even this blog. How can I be SO sad? WHY am I unhappy? Why am I crying, doing NOTHING for two days? It makes me feel disappointed in myself; I feel weak and pathetic. I am scared to be writing this, to think about posting it, because if I do, then people will know and in my mind, that is admitting to failure, telling people that I am weak. That is something I don’t do. I show the world that I am strong; able to deal with any and all that comes my way. This is the ME that I am ok with, the person I want to be.
I know that I will be alright, that my kids WILL come home, Shawn WILL come over, and I will go on. I will smile and laugh at the goofy things my kids do, take Spanky for a walk and tuck my kids in tonight, telling each of them that I love them. If I don’t write this, tell everyone what I have been doing for the last two day, then no one will know, and I can just move on. BUT if I don’t tell then you don’t know that I am NOT always strong, and I am NOT always ok with having this disease and accepting all that it has done to me and my life.
I used to be okay with being alone, doing things by myself and enjoying being in my own company, now it seems that is gone and that sucks. I don’t know what is causing the panic but I need to figure it out, and make it stop.