I’m going to change things up a bit. Up until now, my blog has been for what I feel are my BIG stories – the ones that are long and funny and will be repeated over the years. Each post I write is thought out – worried over, edited and often re-written before I go “live” with it. It’s as if in my mind – this thing – this blog that I have created needs to be “perfect.” But I’m not sure where this obsession with perfection has come from because EVERYTHING about who I am, who I remember I was and who I intend to be moving into the future is NOT about perfection – it’s about honesty; true and raw and sometimes painful honesty. For me and where I am in life and what I am doing, my truth, what I am choosing to be honest about is what it is like for ME to be living with this disease and there is absolutely NO perfection in that.
I am a complete and utter work in progress, but I figure at least I am making progress – that’s something!
As I begin to feel better – and my mind begins to be clearing a bit I am coming to realize that it has become really important for me to try and put into words all the things that I have gone through and what it is like for a person “like” me to have a chronic illness take over my life. What it is like for someone that has ALWAYS needed to be the strong, independent person, that dreads asking for help like the plague and that would prefer that no one knows about my personal life to have this disease. What it’s like too have this thing arrive in my life that makes me weak, makes me rely on others and makes asking for assistance inevitable. What it is like to go from being extremely active to becoming the person that hasn’t showered in days, is still in PJs from 3 days ago and is chronically keeping the couch warm. What it is like for someone that has never asked for help to have to come to terms with not being able to do things on my own.
I have shared that here but as I said – I tend to do it in big grand gestures. Long worded posts that could probably hold up as their own little mini books given their length, rather than just heading over here to keep you updated on the progress I am making…
because really I AM kinda kicking ass these days:)
I do a pretty good job of just spilling shit and sharing the things that I’m up to on my social media accounts – my daily #cannabispowered walk, my continued success with being #tobaccofree (up to 41 days now) and my continued success in losing some of the damn weight I had put on thanks to prescription pain meds. But I tend to avoid popping over here to share – because I know that instead of just a light, fun, funny or insightful post – I will end up working on it for hours, trying to make it all come together into some grand and “perfect” message.
SO I am going to try and get over here more often to just share the shit that is happening now that cannabis has allowed me to return to being the person I remember. I am feeling stronger and more independent than I have since being diagnosed in 2011. I made a trip on my own (and yes I KNOW I owe you the ending to the Wheelchair Story, I’ll get to it, I promise) and I am out walking 90 minutes a day and spending about 45 minutes a day working on my core strength, stretching and doing some strength training. I am taking a shower EVERY day (ok, maybe sometimes every other day) and I get dressed in real “big people” clothes EVERY day – even on a rainy Saturday, when we decided to declare it PJ-Netflix day I got out of my pajamas and put comfortable sweats on.
I have learned that small things like that, small changes in all that had become my routine – not showering, not getting dressed, not getting any exercise, not reaching out to people are what are making the big differences I am seeing in my life today.
I promise that I will continue writing and sharing the longer stories and topics, but I also want to try and share the daily SMALL steps I am making to get my life back on track and actually achieve some shit!
I am feeling better, I am feeling optimistic and I am feeling excited!
I have not been able to say any of those things for years and it feels so fucking good to be able to not only say them but to actually FEEL and BELIEVE in them!
ALSO – BE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY ARTICLE ON CALIFORNIA WEED BLOG THIS WEEK
**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals. Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **