CANNABIS GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK!!!
I have screamed it from the mountaintops. I have shared my story with anyone that would listen. I’m pretty sure my family is sick of hearing it, and you may be as well. But I just can’t help it, because as I keep saying, I am just so damn happy to be feeling like ME again. I am happy to be remembering who I was – before the pain took over control of my life. I honestly did not think that would EVER happen. I didn’t think that there was ANYTHING that would help enough to allow me to do more than simply SURVIVE life. After all, I had tried all drugs and medications that the doctors recommended and they hadn’t done anything but leave me fat and full of shit.
BUT this post isn’t about CANNABIS – it’s a dilemma that I have encountered as a result of being able to DO more. Now that I am experiencing the relief, now that I am back out actually DOING things – I am finding it EXTREMELY difficult to find BALANCE in my life and I am having a very hard time REMEMBERING the things that I am supposed to do!
You see, I WANT to do it ALL!!!!!!
I WANT to go on my #cannabispowered walk EVERY day because it is a HUGE part of me feeling as good as I do, getting my body moving and stretching, using the muscles rather than just thinking about how much they hurt.
I WANT to continue to take our impromptu road trips to visit dispensaries around the state.
I WANT to share my story and let people know the details (WHAT I’ve tried, WHAT has helped and WHAT hasn’t.)
I WANT to continue writing about it all.
I WANT to figure out how to share the podcast I an creating.
I WANT to figure out how the hell to ACTUALLY take the final steps to publishing my book – I am SO close, but every time I hit an obstacle, I turn my focus to something else and so it sits – still unread by anyone but me. Which is kinda pathetic because it really DOES have some great stories and maybe even a few words of wisdom for anyone newly diagnosed.
I WANT to keep going to cannabis shows and meeting others in the community. I have learned it is by far the best way for me to learn as much as I can about this amazing plant.
I WANT to find opportunities to speak publically about my story because I firmly believe that there is power in my words.
I am LIVING proof that CANNABIS IS MEDICINE!
Those are my WANTS – but then there are the things that I NEED to do.
I NEED to continue to be an active participant in this family. After all, I am finally feeling up to it – I am far more active than I have been in years and there is always a shit ton to be done around here- on top of the demands of simply trying to keep my powerlifter behemoths fed.
I NEED to spend time getting my finances in order.
I NEED to figure out everyone’s schedules for the summer – oh and
I NEED to figure out the whole wedding thing – which isn’t going to be a big deal, but it does require other people’s involvement, so I should probably let them know the basics like WHEN it is actually going to happen.
I NEED to pay the bills.
I NEED to find myself a primary care provider and actually go and SEE a doctor (it’s been a while.)
But my MS riddled mind doesn’t DO multi-tasking anymore and it is driving me absolutely CRAZY and it is also beginning to create a sense of panic within me. Because I WANT to do it ALL! And in my mind, I SHOULD be able to do it all since I am feeling SO much better. But the raw truth of it is that I can’t and it really worries me that I am going to fuck it all up – that not being able to focus is going to be the downfall of me, rather than not succeeding because I just can’t physically do it. I got the physical part down – I am kicking ass on my daily walks and I find I am using my weights and stretching more and more often. So physically, yeah, I’d say I got that covered.
But the damn mental part of all of this shit just SUCKS!!!! I can no longer pop from one thing to another, effortlessly making the needed mental adjustments to go from working on my podcast for hours to cooking dinner, folding laundry and doing bills. Because mentally I am EXHAUSTED and I can’t get my brain to focus on even a simple fucking task like folding the laundry. And that sucks.
In the moment, when I am actually DOING something – whether it be writing, walking, cleaning or cooking I can totally focus and accomplish things. I can still write a blog post, I can go for my walk, I can clean out the garage or I can spend the day cooking in the kitchen Physically I can do these things now and that is awesome BUT when I am doing each of these things- it is at the expense of me REMEMBERING other things that need to be done. When I am in the kitchen working on a new recipe, my blog and my reaching out to share my story via social media completely disappear from my mind. I am focusing on the meal, on the food and how it tastes and in my opinion that is WONDERFUL except for the fact that the same thing happens when I am actually ON social media or blogging – I am ONLY focused on that and not things like walking or picking the kids up.
Because of this singular focus – I KNOW I forget things. I KNOW I forget to follow up on interviews and articles. I KNOW I forget to write about something I had felt was important. I KNOW I forget to submit forms to school for a trip. I KNOW I forget to make that doctors appointment. I KNOW I never remember to look at my checking account statement and I KNOW that there are hundreds of other things I am forgetting all the time. All I can do is hope that I don’t forget something IMPORTANT.
I KNOW that I need to find a solution. I KNOW that I will. Because that is apparently what I do, I figure it out and I know that NOW more than ever. But until I DO find that solution, before I find the steps that will help me succeed at ALL of the above- from feeding my kids and Shawn and ensuring that they have clean underwear, to publishing my book and getting my podcast launched, I am feeling stressed and as I said, panicked.
It’s like I KNOW I am going to fuck something up and the only thing I can do is HOPE that it isn’t too big of a fuck up.
I feel like I need a secretary – do people even HAVE secretaries any more???? Because the idea of someone greeting me bedside in the morning with my hot cup of tea and my vape pen while running through EVERYTHING I am going to accomplish during the day sounds simply MARVELOUS. And before you suggest that I make lists or use post-it notes, I am the queen of both. I have lists and notes EVERYWHERE – and they USED to do the trick…my TO-DO list next to the bed was my secretary- it greeted me with the tasks of the day. But these days, I just forget to even look at the damn lists and notes!
**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals. Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **