Over the past few months, as I have continued to find relief using cannabis, I have continued to try and learn as much as I can about it, and about how it is helping me. I have had the opportunity to talk with a number of other MSers in an attempt to help educate them and guide them to finding their own relief. I have chatted with budtenders at dispensaries all over the country trying to find strains to recommend to my new friends and I am excited to continue to try and spread the word.
As I help others navigate their way into understanding cannabis, I can’t help but think of the MSers I have connected with in the past. People that I no longer have contact with (which happens way too frequently these days for me.) I wonder if they perhaps still follow my blog? Or hope that maybe they follow me on social media – because I now have something that I really want to share with them. I have something other than my silly stories and blabbering on about this disease. I have something that has provided me with hope and I sure as hell want to share it with them!
I recently realized the value of hearing first hand from someone that actually LIVES with MS, someone that KNOWS about all the crazy shit that happens. To hear from them that it has actually helped is huge! I KNOW this because back when I had come off all of the prescription drugs and the chronic pain was constantly screaming at me and I still hesitated to make a trip to the dispensary and give cannabis a try….
I got a FB message from B.C.
To know who the hell I am talking about, you would have to have read my long-ago post about my BOOTY CALL. You would have to know that I nicknamed the man I selected to ASK for sex- “B.C.” The short version of the story is that when I was going through my divorce I left my marriage certain that I was making a decision to be alone.
I believed I was a Triple DDD
Diseased, Divorced & Desperate
I believed that no one would want to be with me.
Yet months later, as I began to feel like my old self, like someone actually might like me, might be attracted to me and might want to date me I had one overwhelming concern. SEX!!!! I hadn’t had it in over 5 years and when confronted with the ever-present question on the intake forms at the neurologist’s office “SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION?” I selected N/A (NOT APPLICABLE….because I didn’t KNOW!)
I felt that before I could have the confidence to go out and try dating people, I needed to at least KNOW that I could in fact still have “successful” sex. I needed to know that I could have an orgasm, that I could still experience pleasure – because those things seemed really important in finding a happy and loving relationship. But more importantly I wanted to feel desirable. I needed to believe that someone would WANT to be with me. But before I could put myself out there, I needed to know it all worked.
Which is how I drummed up the idea of my Booty Call!!!!
Select a male friend, give him a call and…. ask him to have sex with me.
That’s the story of my Booty Call in a nut shell….He was someone I had gotten to know because we both had MS. Someone in my life reached out to me to say that a co-worker had been recently diagnosed and wanted to know if I would reach out to him. Little did they know the EXTENT to which I would “reach” out, and little did I know how much he would help me over the years.
This man was probably at one of the lowest points of his life when were introduced. He had gone through a divorce and had limited time with his daughters. When his vision was affected by the disease, he lost his job and circumstances forced him to move back in with his mother. He was angry and bitter. Yet I always knew that the person I was meeting, the person I was communicating with was not what he portrayed. I understood that it was the disease. I understood that he was mad at life and the cards that had been dealt to him.
So when I reached out to him – when I made my request for a “booty call” the LAST thing on his mind was me or even sex. He was dealing with issues of his own, which is why he tried to back out (at least that is what I like to tell myself:) He suffered from debilitating headaches and was hit with one during the night we were together. I was so not a part of the equation for him at that point in his life, and yet he cared enough about me to be there, and that has always meant a lot to me.
After our night together we kept in touch (translation – I would text him every once in awhile about my dating life or some other random thing about life with MS.) He would respond with short, non-leading messages. Then one day…he didn’t respond….and I think at some point I got a message that it was no longer a valid phone number. His FB account went away and I didn’t have contact with him for quite a few years.
Until I got a “friend request” from him. He was back and he had actually sought ME out! We exchanged a few messages, and I stalked his pics a bit…and here is the thing….BC WAS HAPPY!!! Like REALLY FUCKING HAPPY!!! He must have gotten over his “all women suck” mentality – because he got married again, and they looked genuinely happy!
WELL, OF COURSE, I HAD TO KNOW….
How had this happened? What had allowed him to leave all the anger and bitterness behind? It’s not like he doesn’t still have MS – it’s not like it just miraculously disappeared. So WHAT had brought him back? How had he found happiness in the midst of all the MS bullshit? Had the headaches and crippling pain just stopped?!?!
I NEEDED TO KNOW!!!
When I asked, he sent me this message
“I am so good now. My life has changed..ALOT. Pot changed my life. Not using my cane. Just walked 1.5 miles with my forearm crutches. Working out every day and loving life.”
And THAT is when I decided that I was going to bite the bullet and give cannabis a try. I was going to figure out a way to talk to my children about my decision to use cannabis and I was going to let the world know I was giving it a go. If it could take a mean, angry, unhappy man like B.C. and have him saying he is “loving life” then I needed to give it a try. I trusted him and that was HUGE in making my decision to finally try and find relief using cannabis.
To have him seek me out actually meant WAY more to me that I would have expected. Not in some great “sexual lust” way (sorry B.C.:) but in a way that it warmed my heart to know that someone else that I had connected with because of this disease, someone else that had been rocked to his core and devastated by the diagnosis is HAPPY, that he had found the reasons to laugh and smile! But it also drove me to make the leap and finally try cannabis and for that, I am immensely grateful.
Pretty much I have my restored self-confidence & cannabis thanks to this man!
I wake up each day thinking
“IF I can share my story and IF I can talk to just ONE MSer that has been thinking about trying cannabis, but still hasn’t decided to make the move and IF I can HELP them get over any stigmas or issues they might have and IF I can share what I have learned and WHAT is helping me then it will be a GREAT day!”
I will feel as if I have paid it forward – although I won’t be offering up my services in regards to Booty Calls!!!:)
**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advice of medical professionals. Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **