It is like I have been living in a bubble. Not a warm-fuzzy floating bubble. A glass bubble filled with annoying and frantic noise. A noise that is as unpleasant as imaginable (for me, THIS SONG would be a perfect example.) The sound is constantly being pumped into the bubble – and not at a moderate or “acceptable” volume; a noise that is at full volume, unceasingly there, never pausing for an intermission or break.
BUT when you are in it and when the pain is there, unrelenting and unending, there is no way to grasp how bad it is, because it becomes impossible to remember the BEFORE. What it was like and what it actually FELT like to NOT feel the pain.
In my case, it slowly crept in. Before, I used to have “bad leg days” now and then and during those times, the pain began to nudge it’s way into my life. The bad days began to visit more and more frequently. Then the pain started showing up on the good days – taking me by surprise but ready to stay awhile. The occasional “bad leg day” was replaced with the occasional “good leg day.” The pain settled in as a permanent resident.
Time went by and the new visitor to my life began to spread out and make itself comfy. It became so constant that what I would notice was any small lack of or improvement to the pain rather than the pain itself. I would go to bed hoping that maybe tomorrow would bring even just a few moments of reprieve. Then that hope began to slip away because there weren’t any more good days or good moments.
THIS is what led me to try cannabis & CBD oil. I had tried many different pain medications prescribed by my doctor over the years. Some would provide a level of relief but that would begin to fade and the relief would once again slip away. Each an every one of these medications came with a super fun list of side-effects which just added to the list of what I classified as my MS symptoms. I just rolled them all together and figured it is simply what I live with.
My last straw was trying Nortriptyline. Although it is primarily used as an antidepressant it was explained that it is sometimes used for MS pain. So I gave it a shot. I gained 20 lbs in 8 weeks! I literally felt like someone was blowing me up like a balloon. Weight gain IS a side-effect of this particular medication. Which seems more than bit alarming to me…it is primarily used to help with depression. I wasn’t depressed before starting it (just in pain) but I sure as hell felt depressed after puffing up to the size of the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I had been able to put up with dizziness, diarrhea, constipation, cramping, dry eyes, dry mouth, drowsiness, restlessness, insomnia, anxiety and even decreased sex drive as I searched for relief – something to break through the bubble. I marked them down as the cost of doing business – the business being stopping the pain. But apparently if you fuck with my vanity (Does Being In Pain Trump Being In Pain?) then the gloves come off. The fat puffy version of me living in my bubble of pain was just simply too much. The straw that finally broke the camels back was me getting fat. Kinda pathetic- I know.
But I don’t mind telling you that. I figure it doesn’t really much matter WHY I finally decided to give cannabis/CBD oil a shot but simply that I did. Because as I have said – it IS working. Each day I am noticing improvements. Each day I am feeling better. Each day I am again feeling hopeful and excited about the future and what is to come. These are the things that are being added back into my life. But I am also aware of what seems to be diminishing or leaving – the side-effects from the other medications. For the first time in years it seems I might be getting a handle on my chronic constipation. The anxiety and sleep issues have faded, I have begun to lose a bit of weight and even my desire for sex has returned (poor Shawn.)
I am realizing just how all consuming it had become. How I had all but given up hoping and looking for relief. I continued to do the things that had to be done. I spent time with Shawn and the kids – thankful for the moments that led to laughs and smiles as these became golden distractions to the pain. Moments when I would manage to put something ahead of the pain in my mind and thoughts. But when the giggling and grins subsided IT was always there, ready to jump right back into first place. I went through the motions, and I talked about being happy and loving my life these days, but it was all through the foggy, scratched and cracked lens of bubble.
In the past few days and weeks I have felt a clarity that has been missing. The bubble seems to have been popped (or at least the volume of the noise has been turned down) and if I have marijuana to thank for that I am more than willing to scream it from the mountain tops…
I have become a
Medical Marijuana Momma!!!!
Once again life takes a turn and I’m off on another journey!
But it seems that this one might be pain free or at least a hell of a lot better than what I have been living with over the past few years.
**This is my personal blog and all opinions are my own. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one here on my blog. The content here is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to replace the advise of medical professionals. Be sure to contact your doctor before trying any new medications/vitamins/supplements, physical activities or therapies **