Panic began to set in about mid-day yesterday, brought about from the knowledge that I had FINALLY done it, started a blog. WTF, shouldn’t be such a big deal. Hell “everybody is doing it!” Blogs come and go all the time. Some are FANTASTIC (Baby Sideburns) and I eagerly wait for new posts, things to read and laugh til my sides hurt. Some are crap (http://www.thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/) and I wonder who in the world has the time, or the interest to create and maintain such a blog. I REALLY want my blog to succeed, to be read/followed by many, to allow people to laugh and smile as I share things about my life. BUT, I know that in order for this to REALLY happen, I have to be completely open and honest, to put it ALL out there, for the world to read, judge and critique.
For the first time EVER, I realized yesterday, that scares me….a LOT. I know that the last thing I would ever be accused of is being modest/shy/inhibited but for some reason the idea of allowing the world to openly comment on ME – my life and how I choose to live it and deal with the MS and all the “wonderful” perks that come along with it (shit, I pee my pants – in PUBLIC sometimes) is absolutely terrifying.
It’s like going to a new school when you are 13…
“Will people like me?”
“Will they make fun of my choice of clothes?”
“‘Will I EVER have friends again?”
I remember vividly what that was like, the pressures and shit that you go through when you are a teenager, to want to fit in, to be liked, or at least to just NOT be made fun of, or picked on. This fear reminds me of that. I share a lot of what happens in my life with just about anyone that is willing to listen, but there is something different about putting it “out” there on the internet.
I am going to try…to be as open and honest as I possibly can, hoping that people WILL be “forgiving”, to not lash out with mean, snarky comments, but IF they do, then I will just have to “get stronger” as Shawn reminds me. To really embrace who I am and what my life is…but I also do NOT want to intentionally hurt or embarrass anyone (even my EX, which is sort of amazing.) That is NOT my purpose. I want to let people see that although I have had an “oh damn” moment (when I was diagnosed with MS) and an “oh shit” moment (when I realized I was not married to someone that had my back) that I can still find reasons to laugh and smile, each and every day…
again, the good, the bad, and the ugly:)